You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.
Drinking whiskey reminds me of you
You’re the first in ages to have gotten through
I know you mean it, well, yes, I know that you do
But sooner or later you’re going to break me in two
Were my pupils dilated?
Could you tell that I liked you? We were so unlikely
Flirt with an ex, put me to the test
Oh and still I want to tell you that I love you the best
We turned the radiators on and there was no way back
Did you know you had the Plough star trail on your back?
Your voice is quiet and I need it loud
In the night you went up and the morning you went down
It’s like you to forbid me to say goodnight
I had your brown eyes and limbs on me through the night
These words are weak and to your dislike
But you’ll never believe them so I guess it’s alright
Do you like the view I show you?
Oh, I say look at the light
Do you still miss the way that I hold you?
In other towns and cities who’s holding you tonight?
The dresses came out of the bag then the tears came
Drinking has never been the same again
I shared your trouble, I shared your weight
I lost it with you today
Oh, we don’t share a birthday, we do share a sign
And we shared something or was it all in my mind
There was talk of love and how I need it back
I’d be better for you than that last love of mine
Do you like the view I show you?
I say look at the light
Do you still miss the way that I hold you?
Oh, in other towns and cities who’s holding you tonight?
You’re in another town or city, you mean nothing to me tonight
If one can decide to be out of love, I’d like to.
There’s no nicer way to say this, but I am going to be honest with you: I’ve been upset at you these couple days, and it’s because you’re talking to your ex-girlfriend. You stopped talking to me after you broke up with her, and I felt silly for worrying about you because turns out that you’re doing fantastic and happily talking to her. The thing is, I feel forgotten. I can totally understand that you had been very busy with schoolwork, and when you didn’t reply when I asked you a favor to help me with schoolwork, but I am astounded that you actually made time to talk to her no matter how busy you were. Of course it’s not my business, countless times I’ve said this, but I feel like you talked to me back then just because you were in a rough patch with your then-girlfriend, and now you broke up, apparently things magically turns smoothly between both of you. I don’t know where I am in this.
I don’t like how you be telling me that you don’t want to hurt me when I ask you to talk about your ex to me—because I thought you fucked up and needed support—but at the same time you talk to your ex. That’s not the part I’m most disturbed about. I don’t like that you try to hide it from everyone, from me; you look stupid. You probably want to keep your love life private, but talk to your ex like a man. I don’t like how you treat her like some sort of guilty pleasure. Stand proud.That’s the girl that you love. If you’re afraid of hurting me, then: 1) don’t talk to your ex in front of me, 2) don’t be telling me that you don’t want to hurt me. You might as well hurt me and tell me that you’re not even slightly interested in me. I try not to have high expectations on you, but I like you a lot, and of course I wish we could be together. The thing is, I don’t want to be the only person who thinks that I have a chance with you when I don’t.
I want to be out of love with you. I like you, as in I love you, but what keeps me hanging on to you right is my love for your superficial qualities. You’re cute, smart, and talented; you can basically have any girl you want and I am flattered that such an incredible person like you takes an interest in me. But I want to fall for you because of how you make me feel, which of course what I want to feel when I am with you is happiness. Right now you make me feel terrible. You make me feel things that I felt when I was at the lower points in my previous relationship. We’ve just become friends, we still have so many quarters to come, and where we are going doesn’t look pretty to me at all. I don’t want to think of my newly made friend as a jerk who broke my heart and I don’t want to get jealous of him. I truly believe jealousy is a poison; this might be one of very few moments I feel jealous towards a guy.
We have to start becoming friends again, before this whole fiasco started. You’ve stopped texting me, which is a good start on your part. I am going to do my part, too: I am going to stop paying extra attention to you, I am not gonna necessarily ask you to hang out, and unless I need to talk to you, I am going to be generally distant. It’s going to be weird, but we’ll get used to it. We’re going to spend the summer separately and we’re going to have a good time; by the time it’s over you’ll be back in the States and you and I are going to be different people by then. We might forget about everything. And all becomes good again.
I really wish things turned out differently.
Clementine von Radics (via hellanne)
Albert Camus (via hellanne)
open letter to iron man subject to be edited and/or deleted because i get very emotional when i blurt things out
We have known each other for three weeks now, and it has been great. We have told each other that we like each other and we decide to stay friends, which I am also okay with that.
But it starts to get me feel uncomfortable. We may have decided to be friends, but I think what we are doing isn’t something what friends do. I don’t know how you make friends in Italy, but to me, you don’t text your friend every single day without barely failing until two in the morning—especially if that friend is your opposite sex and you have a girlfriend. Some people can even sense that there are something going on between us. Even if you don’t even try to make me feel special, I feel that you are generally too affectionate to me.
I also start to feel jealous of your girlfriend, which is not healthy for our friendship. (“Friendship”, by the way.) You’re talking to me when you’re not talking to your girlfriend, and vice versa. I enjoy our late night conversations, but when we hang out together, you also text your girlfriend. I don’t like that. I want your full attention. I am too selfish to just be your friend and not expect something more while falling for you. At the same time, you’re having a good time with me instead of with your girlfriend. We talk about things and go places. With that being said, I think you are being unfair to your girlfriend and to me. I have been in a long distance relationship before, and if my ex had gotten close with a girl back then, I would have been upset. You and your girlfriend may be in an open relationship, but she is still your significant other. I want you, but I try to respect your relationship. In return, you could have not texted me, said no when I asked you out, and kept me at arms’ length. The road to hell is paved with good intentions; I know you’re (trying to be) a good friend to me, but I’m getting false signals here.
I don’t want to tell what decision you have to make, but I do want you to make a decision on your attitude about us. Go back to Italy and think about it over the summer. Spend time with your girlfriend, and I hope it would help you make sense with things. In the meantime, maybe I would run into someone else in the US and fall for him instead. If in the end things leave me heartbroken, just give me some space. We have only been close for a while, so I hope that I would recover quickly. By telling you this, I am aware of the consequences. Things may get a little weird at first, but we would get used to it. The least I can ask from you is keeping our friendship. (Friendship friendship not “friendship” friendship.) To conclude, I want you to know that, even if I eventually decide to find someone else, it is not because I have already forgotten you. To me, you aren’t just any other guy, and that makes you very special.
He makes unrequited love beautiful again.
I realize that it’s been way too long since the last time I wrote on this blog. I published this blog’s URL to my English 101 class in college, so now that my blog is not so secret anymore, I might as well update something.
Moving back to the US has been a coming to age to me. I currently live with my brother, and we are taking our time to bond. Having my brother left me since I was seven and seen me five times over the course of thirteen years, there are a lot of things to catch up. I learn that we both aren’t really brother and sister anymore. We are also grown ups who have different values that we believe in. My sister said that as much as I wanted to be accepted as an adult, it was hard on my brother too that I was no longer seven years old. I could see that my brother fidgeted when he learned that I had stopped praying five times a day, that I smoked, when I made a comment on how I should buy a set of bikini, and when he warned me that I should never drink. I don’t care that he’s still praying five times a day and chooses not to date a girl outside of our (or his) faith, but he does mind with the fact that I have tendencies to be almost agnostic. Difficult for him to be the traditional one out of three of us.
And I have to say I am finally lucky again, if not blessed. I made friends again after approximately seventeen months of inadequate socializing. What makes me happier is that my new friends make me feel comfortable to be who I have been keeping low profile. I don’t have to pretend that sexism doesn’t annoy me, listen to a friend talking about another friend behind his/her back, and nobody thinks I’m overrated. The downside of having friends (again) is that now I have less time to maintain my academic performance. Struggling, but getting there. Hopefully.
Did I mention my new friends also love to shop/thrift? Yeah, and then I wonder where all my money went.
The schoolboy? He still crosses my mind, but he’s almost a joke. A friend back in Indonesia told me that someday I would finally think of him as a lesson instead as a memory, and he is right. I almost deleted my blog (again!), as too many of its entries were disgustingly dedicated to the schoolboy, but that now I have casually accepted him as my lesson, I should leave those entries be so I can always remember that I went through that shit and survived. Surprisingly, I fall in love again, platonically and romantically. The latter is a whole different story I am still developing, but I am glad to know that I am no longer a bitter person that I had been couple months ago and I am again capable of happiness. Thomas Alva Edison reportedly said, “It is beautiful over there.” And yes, it is.
Holy shit, what have I written these past couple months?
I’m writing a poem for a girl
for a girl I haven’t met
not on paper but in my head
I’m inventing new words for
the color of hair and brightness
of her smile
I’m planning dates to places
I’ve never been
that serve her favorite foods
that I don’t know yet
I’m hiring a band
that I’ve never heard
to play her favorite songs
she hasn’t told me about yet
we’ve never made
like the first time we met
Cause I can’t wait
to I actually meet her.